ramblingthoughts

I am so freaking mad right now! As some of my friends know already, my husband and I have been having marital problems. And I will say it is mostly him. Yeah, I know people will say you shouldn’t put all the blame on just one person but my God he is the one who caused all of this. Here is a little bit of history about my husband and I:

We met almost 11 years ago and have been together ever since. I was 17 and a month away from turning 18. He was 29. Yeah, 11 year age difference and that should have been the first warning but I kept telling myself that age was just a number. Yeah right, not for us it isn’t. Not anymore anyway. When we first got together we both drank heavy. By heavy I mean every single day. Yeah, I was too young to drink but I didn’t care. I did a lot of stupid, idiotic things when I was a teenager as I am sure a lot of people have. I was also a big pot smoker and I started smoking at the age of 12. Now I am 28 and he is almost 40 and we both still smoke. Anyway, we dated for a while and then right before I turned 19 we moved in together. That was another mistake I made but I was too damn young and naive to think about it at the time. I was just so happy that I was getting out on my own. It was an exciting time for me. The excitement didn’t last very long.

Soon he started to control me. I had a job downtown at the local grade school as a janitorial aid. Not the most glamorous job but hey we needed the money. He was working in the next town over at a factory. The first time I noticed his controlling ways was when I got a ride home from work with his cousins friend who was a guy. It was Summer and it was hot and we lived on top of a steep hill. I walked that damn hill every morning and every evening to and from work. So when I get the offer for a ride home from his cousin, who I was working with at the time and was a female, I happily accepted it because I am a smoker and as hot as it was outside I knew I was going to feel half dead by the time I got to the top of that steep hill if I would have had to walk home. SO I took the offer thinking it was no big deal. Why would it be a big deal since it was his cousin’s friend and his cousin was in the car too? Oh but I soon found out how much of a big deal he would make out of it when he found out.

We get to the town square and I see my husband in the car with his dad and mom. It was my car but his precious daddy got to drive it, of course. I tell the driver to stop because I will just get a ride home with my husband and his mom and dad. So I get out of the car and jump in the car with them and immediately smell booze on all three of them. My husband (boyfriend at the time) had just gotten off of work and when his mom and dad picked him up in MY car they had beer ready for him. I didn’t say anything though. Kept my little mouth shut so there wouldn’t be a fight. That didn’t stop him. He asked me who was driving the ar I got out of. I told him it was his cousin, Terri’s friend. He said he knew who it was just by looking at the car and he said “wait until we get home” WTF? What was the big damn deal anyway?

So we get home and the fight is on, and I mean on. He goes on about how I shouldn’t be riding in a car with another man. OMG! What did he think I did, cheat on him in that short amount of time with his freaking cousin was in the car? So I got really mad and I started packing my stuff. I call my mom and ask her to come and get me. She gets to our house and my now mother-n-law is there. They both tell my husband that he is making something out of nothing. Then they tell me not to do it again just to keep from fighting. Whatever!

Yeah that should have told me to get the hell out while I could. But I was a naive teen and was finally out on my own. I also thought I loved him at the time. I guess I thought it was love or I would have never married him in the first place.

Anyway, everything after that was like a roller coaster ride for us. He would accuse me of cheating when I swear I didn’t. He would get mad if one of my old friends came by and asked me if I had contact info for a friend who moved away. The friend who stopped by was a male so he accused me of cheating with him. I would leave when we got into these fights and then I would come back and ask him to take me back. Like I said, I was a naive little girl and thought he was the only man who would ever have me. My mom and sister tell me now that he has brainwashed me and I am finally realizing that is the truth.

For years these fights and me leaving went on. Then we moved into the house that used to be on the property we own now. Things would be ok for a while and then he would snap for no reason and the fight would be on again. Later we found out he was Bi Polar and he got on medication. He even quit drinking and life was good for us for 4 years.

Last year he started drinking a little again. I told him I didn’t like it because I knew it would cause him to start full force. He reassured me it wouldn’t. Guess what? It did. He ended up in jail last year for 90 days for driving without a drivers license. That 90 days were the worst 90 days of my life. Or so I thought at the time. I missed him so much because he was a changed man and I would cry myself to sleep every night. I visited him every Thursday and took his collect calls from my moms because our phone company didn’t allow collect calls. We would talk for 10 minutes at a time and he would call back two or three times after. Now I owe my mom and dad $90 for the calls. It was almost $300 but I made payments to them and finally got it down to $90. My dad says I shouldn’t be the one to have to pay but that is how it goes around here. If I didn’t pay them, he wouldn’t. Someone has to do it.

Things go from bad to worse back to ok. I just don’t know what to do. I want to leave but I need money to get my own place so I can take my dogs. I do not trust him with these dogs because of his addiction to pills and now his drinking problem. It is pretty bad when I want him to sleep just so I can have piece and quiet around here.

I will write more on this later. I have some articles to write for pay and I need the money.

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