ramblingthoughts

Ok Christmas is over and I have to say I am glad it is. I love Christmas but I get tired of the pressure of the shopping, especially when I don’t have the money for it. I honestly think Christmas has changed so much over the years to where it is all about buying the best gifts and it seems like people have forgotten what it is truly about. Christmas to me is really about family, having nice family dinners, giving gifts to those you love and not worrying about getting anything in return, and watching Christmas movies with your family and friends. I used to think the presents were the best part but I honestly have to say that being with family and friends, watching old and new Christmas movies, reminiscing about Christmas past, and looking at all of the beautiful Christmas decorations. Christmas is, after all, Jesus Christs’ birthday and we should think about our savior and not about ourselves. We should think about those who we have lost and those who can’t be around for Christmas. We should also think about the less fortunate and helping those in need.

When Christmas comes around, I think a lot about my family that I have lost over the years. I often think about the last Christmas I had with my big brother and I know I should remember him with a smile but I miss him so much that it tears me up inside. I want him to be here, alive, with all of us. He was one of the greatest people I knew and I am so happy that I was able to know him even though I was 12 when he died. I often think about what he would be like if he were alive today. I also wonder how good we would get along as adults now. I think he would be my best friend. He would be 38 years old and January 31st will be 16 years since he died. It is hard to believe it has been so long. I miss you Tommy and I love you!

I also think about my aunt, cousin, grandma, and grandpa around this time of year. They too died when I was young. My aunt and cousin were gunned down when I was 13 and my grandpa died of old age at 81 years old. 5 months later my grandma died and even though it was a heart attack I truly believe she died of a broken heart. They both died when I was 14 and I loved them so very much. I was very close to them and miss them every day but I miss them more around Christmas.

My cousin who died was only 17 and she was killed, along with her mother, three days before she turned 18. Her boyfriend killed them both because my cousin tried to break up with him. He was a crack addict and he tried to force my cousin to smoke crack with him and when she didn’t he beat her. When she tried to break up with him, he went to their house and tried to kill the whole family. My aunt’s husband was at work but he got my aunt and her middle child, and shot her oldest daughter in the rear. Her oldest daughter was on the ground laying on top of her baby protecting her and I thank God that the baby didn’t get hurt at all. My other cousin, the youngest, only got hit in the foot with gun powder but the poor 15 year old boy watched his sister being gunned down and killed. The oldest daughter watched her mother gunned down and killed. When they tried to get away My aunt and her oldest ran to one neighbors house while the cousin who was killed and her little brother ran to the other neighbors house. So he didn’t get the whole family but he did get my aunt and her youngest daughter and he also took the mother and sister of my other two cousins.

Anyway, I get depressed around this time of year because I miss them all so much. Yeah, it has been a long time since their death but you really never get over it and you never forget. It does get easier year after year and the pain does subside but it never goes away for me or my family. We were all very close. Ever since my grandparents, brother, aunt, and cousin died, our family has never been the same. We don’t get together like we used to and you might as well say I am the black sheep since most of them talk to my sister but shun me. I don’t care though. If that is the way they want to be then let them. My grandparents, brother, aunt, and cousin are probably rolling in their graves because of the way the family treats me and each other.

So now we go on to New Year’s and resolutions and such. My New Years resolution is to get out of debt and get my short fiction published in a real print book. Maybe I will also start on that novel I have always wanted to write. I will write more about my New Year’s Resolution on another post. Happy New Years Everyone and may 2009 be a hell of a lot better than 2008! God I hope it is, anyway!

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